Scrack scrack, scrack scrack, scrack scrack … the noise in my ears.  Thirty pairs of sprigs marching with purpose, the sound echoing down the darkened tunnel.  I close my eyes for a fraction of a second as my own feet carry me forward, and in my head I see the glare of light ahead of me; hear the approaching roar envelop me.  Last step, into the light, eyes wide open, grass underfoot and echoing silence, except for the pounding of my own heart.

I can’t believe I’m actually here.  The voice behind me says, “Go out onto the field Bubs” and that soft Samoan voice of Michael Jones takes me out of my daydream.  I quicken my pace and there I am, standing in the unfamiliar Auckland sunlight.  Even though I am warm on the outside, I still can’t help but feel the cold that stays inside me and the emptiness that surrounds me.  I gaze to my left and the words EDEN PARK stand out from all the dull, light grey seats that seem to be watching me.  No thousands of spectators cheering.  No victorious team with their hands clenched in the air.  No losing team on the ground with their hands on their heads.  It almost feels like a separate universe.

I wish I could have come here on a normal day, under normal circumstances.  It’s far from normal and feels like it might never be again.  All because of that fault line breaking in the middle of a weekday.  In my head I hear the words of a song – Absence make her heart grow stronger, reassure her she’s where I want to be.  That’s how I feel.   Watching from this distance just makes me want to be back in Canterbury.  It’s strange to be having the best day of my life knowing I wouldn’t be here if not for the worst day anyone in New Zealand will ever experience.  But for now I need to focus on the little things: I’m here, I’m alive and I’m having the time of my life.